1. Artists Interpretation of Abbott combating climate cha
    11 Oct, 2017
    ABBOTT SPEECH SPARKS MASS DEMAND FOR GOATS
    Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott spruiks innovative new defence to Climate Change The ex-pm who has always looked to provide progressive solutions to national and global problems has continued to stand up for our planet during a recent speech in London. Mr Abbott well known for thinking to the future has tossed around the brilliant idea of reintroducing goat sacrifices to appease the Gods of Changing Climates. An unnamed expert at the event told The Crumpet’s own Leesh Yawoom that Tony’s idea
  2. What will he come up with next. Steve Jobs with a posthumous master play.
    11 Oct, 2017
    Steve Jobs' consciousness to replace Siri on new IOS
    Steve Jobs' final vision rumored to see him live on inside of his greatest masterpiece. In a breathtaking display of technological checkmating, Apple genius and co-founder the late Steve Jobs has seemingly saved one last Ace up his turtle necks sleeve. It is believed before passing Steve and a specialised team downloaded his entire consciousness in the hopes it could be crafted to take over Siri's role. The rumour mill is abuzz and it is believed just weeks after the new Iphone 10 is launched
  3. ONGOING INVESTIGATION FINDS SHORTEN NOT GUILTY OF SAUSAGE SIZZLE MASSACRE
    02 Sep, 2016
    ONGOING INVESTIGATION FINDS SHORTEN NOT GUILTY OF SAUSAGE SIZZLE MASSACRE
    Royal Commission into "Sausage Gate" finally brings answers. A Royal Commission ordered and completed following the uproar of Bill Shorten's "Sausage Gate" incident which arguably lost Labour the election has found Shorten wasn't in direct violation of sausage sizzle protocol. The enquiry determined whilst Shorten's methods were highly unorthodox, the agreed upon consensus of consuming a sausage sanger from end to end only applied to folded bread sangers. Commissioner D.B Carson who chaired the
  4. Pictured: Charles Monsoon overseeing the vote
    20 Jul, 2016
    YOGA PANTS INVENTOR NAMED GREATEST MIND OF 21ST CENTURY
    Game changing 'Pants' declared the 21st Centuries greatest contribution believed more revolutionary than smart phones. A group of men at a class of '45 reunion have unanimously named the inventor of yoga pants the Greatest Mind of the 21st Century with the inventor of lycra taking the prize for the 20th. Charles Monsoon event organiser stated that whilst there was still quite a bit of time left in the 21st century he was quite sure the revolution sparked by the popularity of yoga pants wouldn't
  5. Pictured from left:Buddha, Joan of Arc and Jesus on the judges panel
    02 Jul, 2016
    NETFLIX SET TO HEAVILY PROPHET
    Risky New Series Could Be The Stuff Of Miracles Rumours are raining from the heavens speculating that entertainment giant Netflix plan to resurrect the careers of some of histories greatest prophets, in a risky new reality venture "Heal or No HEAL". Other rumored names included "So you think you can Prophesise" and "Earths next top Saviour". A representative for the projects executive co-producer Nostradamus said Joan of Arc, Jesus Christ and Gautama Buddha had all tentatively signed on for the
  6. Pictured above: Socially acceptable loaves of bread.
    01 Jul, 2016
    Not quite right, not quite white
    Local schoolboy sues "health kick" mother for putting his vegemite sandwich on wholemeal Trouble is baking in the quiet New South Wales town of Newcastle where Tyson Bentley, age 8 has been forced to sue his mother Caroline Osborne after she put his vegemite sandwich on wholemeal bread two days in a row. It is speculated the conundrum arose when Ms Osborne started dating a personal trainer, took up crossfit and threw young Tyson's comfortable diet on it's head. Tyson's lawyer Bradley Habernasch
  7. Calls to ban all birds from Australian Shores
    09 Jul, 2016
    Calls to ban all birds from Australian Shores
    Radicalised bird group 'Ibis' has provoked calls to ban all birds from Australia Tragedy has hit a Sydney based fish and chippery after a radicalised group of birds currently named only as 'Ibis' executed what is being described as "a calous and calculated, highly e'fish'ent 'terrorist' attack" on Moustachios Fish and Chippery, Bondi.  Local's say the attack was clearly planned as five members of the Ibis group swooped into the store around 3pm on Friday, leaving the store in an unrecogniseable
  8. MAN CHILDREN REJOICE, QUEST TO CATCH THEM ALL CONTINUES
    06 Jul, 2016
    MAN CHILDREN REJOICE, QUEST TO CATCH THEM ALL CONTINUES
    Launch of Pokemon Go allows users to have no life outside as well.
  9. Three randomly selected BBQ 'shapes' were all hexagons.
    05 Jul, 2016
    ARNOTTS RESPOND TO CONSUMER OUTRAGE AFTER YEARS OF LIES
    Customer outrage over realisation Arnott's Shapes only ever contain one shape.
  10. $1.1 billion Juno probe completes journey
    05 Jul, 2016
    $1.1 billion Juno probe completes journey
    Homeless children super excited to know more about Jupiter.
  11. CRUMPET EXCLUSIVE: WOOFLES KARDASHIAN TO BECOME SNIFFLES JENNER
    05 Jul, 2016
    CRUMPET EXCLUSIVE: WOOFLES KARDASHIAN TO BECOME SNIFFLES JENNER
    Kardashian family pet Woofles plans to be first ever animal to complete canine to feline surgery.
  12. Toucan play at that game
    02 Jul, 2016
    Toucan play at that game
    Is it time to allow animals to run for office? Who can lead our nation in to prosperity? According to a recent news poll Toucan. The poll surveying the electorate of Windsor found when given the option of Malcolm "Watch the tables" Turnbull vs Bill "My popularity couldn't possibly" Shorten vs Russell 'Tooey' Toucan 39% believed Mr Toucan was more in touch with the majority of Australians. Some of Tooey's policies include fruit platter subsidies, rate cuts for residents living in trees, keeping
  13. RAPPER WARNS NOT TO PUSH HIM
    02 Jul, 2016
    RAPPER WARNS NOT TO PUSH HIM
    Lord Daddy claims to be situated incredibly close to the edge. East London rapper Lord Daddy Pop-Pop has been praised for standing up for his beliefs in a recent interview on daytime television. Pop hyphen Pop was scrutinised on "The Generic Regurgitation of an Abused Format Hour" by the shows host Outgoingstereotype McHuggins. Mchuggins accused Pop-Pop of sexualising women in the video clip to his latest song "Dees skinny hoes be enjoying my penis in der mouths" also know as "Hoeses Mouths".
  14. PM TURNBULL SHAKES UP ELECTION CAMPAIGN
    02 Jul, 2016
    PM TURNBULL SHAKES UP ELECTION CAMPAIGN
    Man with hard hat and piece of paper made minister for infrastructure and regional development.
  15. Magical Mission Or Local Mug?
    02 Jul, 2016
    Magical Mission Or Local Mug?
    Perth Man Gets Knighted, Defeats Dragon after 13 cups of Coffee. Phil Greginson, 39, a graphic designer and avid gamer from Perth, WA claims he was selected for a top secret mission by the Queen of England.
  16. The Blacks take a stand.
    20 Jun, 2016
    Blacks stand up against Whites in unprecedented check mate
    Warnings to check yourself before you wreck yourself. An all out war is raging, but it's unlikely you've seen it on the local news. It seems even in 2016 the fight against discrimination is raging harder than ever. A group of disillusioned 'black' chess pieces including 5 pawns, a knight, a bishop and a Queen have united to protest the endless discrimination directed towards the "dark side of chess", with an archaic passage in the law of chess depicting that the white battalion is permitted the
  17. Monaro Bale furious after being forced to fly tiger on "long holiday to Thailand"
    12 Jan, 2016
    Qantas Ceases Transportation of Greyhounds
    Greyhounds furious, Now have to fly Tiger Has the whole world gone to the dogs, is what retired greyhounds are saying after Qantas announced greyhounds could no longer fly on the airline when being sent by former trainers to exotic locations to retire.
  18. Gayle Puts On A Brave Face
    12 Jan, 2016
    Feminist Hot Air Blows a Gayle
    Cricket sensation Chris Gayle still in hot water after failing to get Mel McLaughlin steamy. A week after the now infamous don't blush baby incident and things don't seem to be cooling down for Gayle after his casual banter during an interview amidst his dominating display on the field. His chat which struck everyone with an ounce of personality and humour as complimentary and jocular manner added a bit of personality and realism to the tired and calculated art form of sports interviews. Whilst
  19. LOCAL MAN RAISES EYE BROWS AT WORK DRINKS
    09 Jan, 2016
    LOCAL MAN RAISES EYE BROWS AT WORK DRINKS
    Tells female co-worker, spirit animal is the gecko A local man has had a throw away comment at a work drinks function escalate after urban dicurban dictionary was brought into clear up some conjecture over his comments. Clint Mickleson explains that somehow the conversation got onto spirit animals and suggesting, with co-workers taking turns to say what spirit animal they thought each other may be represented by. When it came to Clints turn he told his bosses secretary that he believed her
  20. Clear evidence of a trianglular symbolism on the Ark
    07 Jan, 2016
    WHAT DON'T WE NOAH?
    New evidence suggests Noah and his ark may have been linked to early Illuminati plots for a New World Order.  A group of enthusiastic scientific types claim they may have stumbled on to new evidence suggesting Noah was a high ranking free mason and may have been behind the great flood in a collaboration between fellow illuminati 'top dogs' and two of every animal on the provision they shared the secret organisations vision. It is believed both unicorns and most dinosaurs did not share the

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  1. Artists Interpretation of Abbott combating climate cha
    11 Oct, 2017
    ABBOTT SPEECH SPARKS MASS DEMAND FOR GOATS
    Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott spruiks innovative new defence to Climate Change The ex-pm who has always looked to provide progressive solutions to national and global problems has continued to stand up for our planet during a recent speech in London. Mr Abbott well known for thinking to the future has tossed around the brilliant idea of reintroducing goat sacrifices to appease the Gods of Changing Climates. An unnamed expert at the event told The Crumpet’s own Leesh Yawoom that Tony’s idea
  2. What will he come up with next. Steve Jobs with a posthumous master play.
    11 Oct, 2017
    Steve Jobs' consciousness to replace Siri on new IOS
    Steve Jobs' final vision rumored to see him live on inside of his greatest masterpiece. In a breathtaking display of technological checkmating, Apple genius and co-founder the late Steve Jobs has seemingly saved one last Ace up his turtle necks sleeve. It is believed before passing Steve and a specialised team downloaded his entire consciousness in the hopes it could be crafted to take over Siri's role. The rumour mill is abuzz and it is believed just weeks after the new Iphone 10 is launched
  3. ONGOING INVESTIGATION FINDS SHORTEN NOT GUILTY OF SAUSAGE SIZZLE MASSACRE
    02 Sep, 2016
    ONGOING INVESTIGATION FINDS SHORTEN NOT GUILTY OF SAUSAGE SIZZLE MASSACRE
    Royal Commission into "Sausage Gate" finally brings answers. A Royal Commission ordered and completed following the uproar of Bill Shorten's "Sausage Gate" incident which arguably lost Labour the election has found Shorten wasn't in direct violation of sausage sizzle protocol. The enquiry determined whilst Shorten's methods were highly unorthodox, the agreed upon consensus of consuming a sausage sanger from end to end only applied to folded bread sangers. Commissioner D.B Carson who chaired the
  4. Pictured: Charles Monsoon overseeing the vote
    20 Jul, 2016
    YOGA PANTS INVENTOR NAMED GREATEST MIND OF 21ST CENTURY
    Game changing 'Pants' declared the 21st Centuries greatest contribution believed more revolutionary than smart phones. A group of men at a class of '45 reunion have unanimously named the inventor of yoga pants the Greatest Mind of the 21st Century with the inventor of lycra taking the prize for the 20th. Charles Monsoon event organiser stated that whilst there was still quite a bit of time left in the 21st century he was quite sure the revolution sparked by the popularity of yoga pants wouldn't
  5. Pictured from left:Buddha, Joan of Arc and Jesus on the judges panel
    02 Jul, 2016
    NETFLIX SET TO HEAVILY PROPHET
    Risky New Series Could Be The Stuff Of Miracles Rumours are raining from the heavens speculating that entertainment giant Netflix plan to resurrect the careers of some of histories greatest prophets, in a risky new reality venture "Heal or No HEAL". Other rumored names included "So you think you can Prophesise" and "Earths next top Saviour". A representative for the projects executive co-producer Nostradamus said Joan of Arc, Jesus Christ and Gautama Buddha had all tentatively signed on for the
  6. Pictured above: Socially acceptable loaves of bread.
    01 Jul, 2016
    Not quite right, not quite white
    Local schoolboy sues "health kick" mother for putting his vegemite sandwich on wholemeal Trouble is baking in the quiet New South Wales town of Newcastle where Tyson Bentley, age 8 has been forced to sue his mother Caroline Osborne after she put his vegemite sandwich on wholemeal bread two days in a row. It is speculated the conundrum arose when Ms Osborne started dating a personal trainer, took up crossfit and threw young Tyson's comfortable diet on it's head. Tyson's lawyer Bradley Habernasch